


What Was Once But Never Again

by RiddleMeEvil



Series: Master's Birthday Stories 2017 [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003) - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: 'If you had said the word I would've left the Order' backstory, Anakin Needs a Hug, Anakin and Obi-Wan are the BrOTP, Anakin thinks he's upset but wait until Obi-Wan starts to talk, Angst, Anidala AU ending, Boy that was a lot of angst, Comfort, Doomed Lovers - Freeform, Even though they have issues, F/M, Gen, He definitely needs therapy, Hurt, Jedi Actually Having Attachments And Emotions, Jedi take vacations too!!!, M/M, Mandalore, Offscreen character death, Padmé and Satine did not deserve these endings, Pre TPM Obitine, Qui-Gon is Obi-Wan's dad and nobody can say otherwise, Romance, The Clone Wars - Freeform, and Obi-Wan might need therapy, because that's what Star Wars is all about, idk yet, its sad guys, possibly pre slash, somewhat hopeful ending I think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2018-12-21 18:57:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11950569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiddleMeEvil/pseuds/RiddleMeEvil
Summary: What Obi-Wan lost on MandaloreOrWhen Anakin loses what he loves most, how will it compare to the hidden agony Obi-Wan has been in for over a decade?





	1. Mandalore: What Happened Then

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Obi_theKenobi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obi_theKenobi/gifts).



> Well this happened.
> 
> Sorry it's late, Master darling. You know I'm trying ;) 
> 
> Please enjoy- I always love feedback!

She stood tall and straight on the balcony, her serene countenance only a mask for the tumultuous emotions just below the surface. There was a quiet murmur from behind her, two voices— an elderly man's rumble and a young male's musical lilt— and then a quiet footstep, the rustle of the curtains drawing closed and barring them from the bustling world within the palace. She did not speak, did not acknowledge him for too many agonized minutes, then her voice broke the tense silence, delicate and yet paradoxically strong.

"I thought you'd have left by now." She said, eyes locked on the enchanting gardens below. "Is you Master not waiting for you?"

She did not dare to allow the feeble hope in her breast to grow, slender fingers grasping the rail firmly. A sigh was heard, and he stepped closer, his brown robes brushing her skirts.

"I did not... I could not leave, Your Grace, without speaking to the one I hold most dear.." He answered in soft tones, hesitant eyes boring into her back. "Will she allow it?"

She did not respond for a moment, the only sound that of the wind through the trees in the garden below. He stood, waiting with baited breath for the mask to fall— and it did, the young Duchess whirling to face him, her eyes startlingly brilliant with emotion.

"She will."

There was a delicate tremble to her voice and he stepped before her, falling to one knee to press his lips fervently, passionately to her hand. He lingered, soft if slightly chapped lips brushing carefully and with a secret love over her fingers, and then with her free hand she pulled him to his feet. She tilted her head up to him, her stature made even smaller by his height, and gazed into the green-blue eyes that she so adored. His eyes, fearful of what was to come with an awful despair lurking deep within, told her without a spoken word that her hopes would not be fulfilled, and she sighed, a hand carding through the short Padawan cut, trailing down his braid.

"Why are you doing this, Obi-Wan..?" She asked, though she knew the answer. His exquisite, beautiful eyes pleaded with her, his face leaning into her hand. "I couldn't just _leave_ , Satine, I had to— I had to speak with you, first."

Her lips parted and she blinked rapidly, nodding as she regained her equilibrium. "I— Alright."

Obi-Wan bit his lip, his words causing him obvious pain even as he forced them from his mouth. "Master Qui-Gon... He's waiting by the ship. He doesn't know— _I_ don't know if..." He swallowed, nervous eyes staring into hers. "If I'll be rejoining him."

As he spoke she began to shake her head, sadness etched onto her face. She looked away, her profile highlighted by the setting sun.

"Oh, Ben.." She murmured reproachfully. "Why— you _know_ you cannot. You must not. I thought we'd agreed that you'd go." There was no hesitation in her voice as she spoke of his decision, and he admired her all the more for it.

"We did, but Satine! I had to ask you once more for your opinion..!" He said passionately, clutching her two hands in his. "You _must_  know how I—"

"Do not say it!" Her voice rose. He looked ashamed at his blatant disregard for their agreement, and she softened. "Obi-Wan.. Ben. I _do_  know. But you cannot use that to make your choice... And you must not forget your duty."

He swallowed hard, nodding carefully as he forced his emotions back behind the thick barrier in his mind. She caught his eye and frowned, and he ducked his head with a halfhearted, wry grin. She'd always disapproved of the suppression techniques the Jedi used.

He shrugged lightly, as if only speaking about the weather and not this potentially life altering decision. "What if my duty lies with you, at your side?"

Satine clenched her jaw, her chin rising resolutely, and he suddenly slumped, all the bravado and false hope he'd filled himself with abruptly vanishing into thin air. "Your duty lies at the side of another." She said tenderly, loosening her hands from his own.

"And he waits now for you, in fear of losing his beloved child to fleeting emotion."

They both flinched at that, knowing that said emotion was no more fleeting than the need to breathe oxygen. She took a breath, resetting her stoic mask, and turning her gaze from his face. "You must go to him, Ben," She whispered, staring out into the garden below. He shook his head, agony written on his face— and in the Force, she knew, but she was no more Sensitive than the tapestry on her bedroom wall— and then he was practically begging her.

"No— Satine, please, don't.."

"Don't what?" She said, lips pursing as she tried to keep her emotions at bay. "You know I'm only doing what I'm doing to protect you, to protect us both!"

Obi-Wan opened his mouth to argue but averted his gaze, trembling fingers running through ginger hair. He struggled with himself for a moment and she watched with baited breath, waiting for his response.

Obi-Wan straightened suddenly, and the pure torment in his posture— she could see it before he even turned around— sent an arrow lancing through her heart, bringing tears to her eyes. He turned to her, anguished, his eyes pleading for forgiveness for the choice he knew he must make— had made long ago. "You know that if you only _said_ it, I would—"

"And that is exactly why I'll never say it, Ben!" She snapped, her body stiffening with the heartbreak she kept hidden. Her voice softened, as did her posture, and she moved to place her hand gently on his bowed shoulder. "That is why." She repeated, soothing and loving and understanding in a way only she knew how to be. "I will not— _can_  not— be the one to force you to choose between your two greatest loves. I'll not have you choose me and then come to hate me, blame me for forcing you to choose."

He was silent for a moment, the sharp agony of his heartbreak shaking his shoulders. Her own heart cracked even further, hidden behind the shields her status had gifted her— slowly crumbling to nothing in the face of his volatile despair.

"That is why I love you, you know," He whispered, voice dripping with torment and a terrible, all consuming love that sent shivers up her spine. "You'd rather we leave each other on our own terms, rather than one of us coming to resent the other for making us choose."

She nodded slowly, her agony rending her soul in two, and she could not help but raise her arms to him, her restraint dissolved. He fell into her embrace, folding her to his chest, his face buried in her shoulder.

They cradled each other with tortured understanding, the two young hearts craving the contact but the brilliant minds comprehending the devastation it would bring. He lifted his head, crystal eyes sparkling with tears, and bent to kiss her— brush their lips together one last, magnificently passionate time, the last taste of ecstasy— and just as it began she pulled away, a slim hand covering her mouth below eyes filled with tears.

His arms loosened about her waist, a plea forming on his lips, and she shook her head, jewels glinting in the light of the setting sun. "Don't, Ben," She whispered. "You.. We cannot. No longer, my Jedi." Her hand came up to press over his own lips, a parody of the kiss she'd denied him, and he leaned into it, eyes closed as a silver trail made its way down his cheek. She memorized his face, in that moment, taking in the magnificent features that had captured her heart, and then his eyes reopened, his head tilting with acceptance.

"As you say, my Lady," He murmured, slowly disengaging their bodies. She caught his hand before he could step away, and he gazed down at her, a tiny, pained smile curving his lips.

"I'll not soon forget what you have taught me, Satine." She understood, her heart breaking once more— as he thanked her for teaching him to love. Unable to speak, she nodded, her emotions threatening to overwhelm her, and he smiled again, stepping away and dropping her hand. She felt the loss like her heart had been ripped out, and in her pain she turned away from him, clutching at the balcony with both hands. Silence once again took hold, and then with an awful sigh, he turned and strode away, the echo of his footsteps resounding out over the garden.

He did not look back at her, for if he did, he'd forget all that had been said— so he walked away with his head held high, to return to his Master and the future he was destined for..

Without her.

The future that would bring hope to many, save many lives and families, but the future that he somehow knew would forever bar him from his own. He left his heart behind on the balcony but did not feel the loss too strongly, another gifted to his hands beating in time with his and staving off the keen agony threatening to overtake his soul.

In the deafening quiet after his departure, she gazed in silence out over the gardens, the sunset bright before her as she wrestled with the pain of their suppressed love. Unmoving, she stood, her shadow long and sharp behind her on the pale stone floor, her posture regal and proud. Like a statue, immobile save for the steady rise and fall of her chest. The fiery sun cast her in a gold light, highlighting the delicate yet strong facial structure of the young Duchess, guarded blue eyes with bottomless depths of emotion hidden behind a shroud— windows to an impossibly bright soul.

A light breeze arose, gently rustling the deep midnight gown she wore, and in the distance the red sun glinted off of a silver ship, inexorably rising with great speed and accuracy to the hyperspace point just off planet. His presence still lingered with her— it would for many days more, she knew, the closeness borne of a year on the run integrating his essence in everything she did. She took one great breath, raising her head and wiping the tears away. He was gone, now, away on his ship with his Master to do great things, save lives... And she was here, with her people, and..

There was her Prime Minister now, bowing with a kind smile directed at the young Duchess. Her face relaxed, the proud mask of her station reappearing, and she gave him her hand. None of the emotion from the previous moments visible, she stepped away from the balcony, gliding away to her throne and duties, and leaving the garden to its secrets and shadows.


	2. Coruscant: What Happens Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the wait!!!! 
> 
> I may, eventually, add an epilogue.. But as of right now, this is it.

•— Fifteen Years Later —•

It's late morning when Obi-Wan stumbles out of his room, heading into the tiny kitchen he shares with Anakin with a yawn. He rubs his eyes, hitting the machine 'on' for caf and placing a pot of tea on the stove— he and Anakin are still arguing over which is the better substance, after all these years.

He chuckles quietly and turns the holoradio on with a flick of a finger, the absence of his former Padawan, who'd normally raise quite the fuss over the action— " _Master!_ That's blatant and casual misuse of the Force! No Jedi _ever_  does that!' in a mocking tone— allowing him this rebellious moment. He moves to prepare a traditional weekend breakfast for the two of them, humming softly as he listens to the news and scrambles eggs.

".... _Attack on the Senate building early this morning leaves at least ten dead_..."

"... _Suicide bomber hit the SouthEast conference room and the surrounding offices, killing and injuring all occupants_.."

"... _Among the lost are Senator Zar, of the Sern sector, Senator Amidala, Of Naboo_..."

A clatter at the stove. Obi-Wan whirls around and stares at the holoradio, shocked and horrified.

Senator Amidala? Padmé Amidala, the little Queen— images of Qui-Gon and red ( _red, so much red_ ) ray shields race through his mind— the radiant Senator that _Anakin_ —

His stomach drops. Instantly, his mind reaches through the Force to Anakin's room— but he's not there.

 _Kriff_.

The absence of his best friend is telling. Senator Amidala is— _was_ extremely close to Anakin, close enough that Obi-Wan had worried after the two young people too many times to count, and if the accident happened early this morning, while Obi-Wan was still asleep... Anakin had either heard it and rushed out, or ...been with her.

Obi-Wan shakes his head in horror, striding to the bedroom to change into pants and an acceptable tunic before emerging less than thirty seconds later, making a beeline for the door. His face pale, he steps through it and heads for the hangar at a run, leaving behind an empty apartment, slowly filling with the stench of burnt eggs.

•—•—•

Ten minutes later finds Obi-Wan pushing through the massive crowd outside of the Senate, ignoring the holonet reporters and forcing his way into the building by way of his Jedi ID and privilege card.

He moves towards the SouthEast corridors, feeling wave after wave of intensifying agony from his best friend crash through the Force. He can't yet tell if it's physical, terrified that Anakin could lose his life alongside the targeted Senators, but as he rounds the corner he hears hoarse shouts and a muffled struggle. His legs almost buckle in relief when he catches sight of Anakin, very much alive and being held back from the debris by three of the Senate guards, but his relief soon dissipates as his eyes lock on to the Knight's face.

The young Jedi’s eyes hold the deep, tortured and despairing look that has haunted Obi-Wan’s soul since his Satine died in his arms. The Master stifles a dry, sudden sob of shock and horror, stumbling closer to the quartet, and Anakin’s hoarse, choked voice finally reaches his ears.

“No— No, _Padmé, no_ —“ He sobs, his struggles unceasing, and Obi-Wan places a hand on the nearest man’s shoulder. “Let me,” He pleads softly, over the young man’s agonized cries. “Let me help him.”

The three guards slowly release Anakin, but before the young man can dash towards the debris Obi-Wan has him in his arms, pressing the golden head to his shoulder.

“Shh, Padawan,” He whispers in his ear, through their Bond. “Shh.” Anakin’s body almost instantly goes limp, all fight gone, deep, rattling sobs dragging from his chest and shaking his body. His arms slide limply around Obi-Wan, who carefully, gently supports his grieving brother away from the carnage.

As he leads the shell shocked boy towards his speeder a group of reporters come near, but before a word is spoken they’re silenced by the sharp look Obi-Wan gives them— it’s the look of the Negotiator, the avenging angel that fights on their battlefields, and this glimpse of the flame in his eyes has them running for cover as he half carries his beloved Padawan to the hangar.

•—•—•

The trip from the Senate to their rooms is a silent, still affair, and Obi-Wan’s arm about Anakin’s waist seems to be the only thing keeping the young man upright. Once they’ve entered their living quarters the stench of burnt eggs and toast fill their nostrils— Anakin doesn’t notice, too lost in his grief, but Obi-Wan does, and guides him to the couch before hurrying to open a window.

He turns back to Anakin, the boy’s shoulders shaking with those deep, tormented sobs, and Obi-Wan’s heart breaks for his Padawan. He comes to sit beside the younger Jedi, arms about his shoulders, trying to soothe his agony through any means possible.

“Oh, _Anakin_..” He whispers, rubbing the young man’s back gently. “Oh, my Padawan, I’m so, so sorry...”

Anakin sobs heartwrenchingly into his chest. “I l-loved her more than _anything_ , Master...” He hiccups. “She was my _Angel_ , the first good, beautiful, _pure_  thing I’d ever seen in my life. I’ve loved her ever since I was a child!! A-and _now_..”

He pauses, heaving for breath, and Obi-Wan tightens his grip. “Now she’s gone!!!” His voice cracks, and he sobs again. “I was visiting her, before her meetings began— I went to get her her f-favorite tea, from across the building.. The little, Nabooian café there, and.. And I turned around, and the _whole_  side— her office, _everything_ — was gone. Flames.”

He chokes, hands gripping Obi-Wan painfully hard, and the Master barely breathes through his own agony. “She was wearing her _favorite_ gown, Master,” He sobs, almost unintelligibly. “It made her eyes _sparkle_ , and she looked so _perfect_ — and now she’s _gone_ —!!” He collapses once more, his grief overwhelming him, and Obi-Wan struggles against the tears rising in his own eyes.

“ _Anakin_ , Padawan,” Obi-Wan begins again. “You can talk to me. Anakin, I know how you’re feeling— Oh, Force, my heart _cries_  for you, Padawan...”

His words seem to ignite a sudden fire in the sobbing young man, who abruptly throws himself off the couch.

"She was my _wife_ , Master!" He shouts, tears pouring down his cheeks, and he stumbles away from Obi-Wan’s embrace on the couch. "Don't stand there and tell me you know how I feel, when all you've ever loved is the kriffing Jedi _Code_!"

Obi-Wan sits back heavily, bringing a hand to his forehead. He exhales, forcing his emotions to stay calm. "You know that's not true, Anakin," He says softly, the expressive eyes screaming the hurt his serene expression denied. "I am far from the perfect Jedi you think I am. When I say I understand..."

He pauses, gathering himself. Anakin stands still where he was, facing away from Obi-Wan and chest heaving, but silent. He somehow notices— through the maelstrom of despair around him— that Obi-Wan needs to say this, more desperately than anything he's ever said before. Obi-Wan swallows.

".. I _understand_. You remember.. The Duchess of Mandalore?" His tone grows soft, his eyes seeing something not quite there. Anakin shifts where he stands.

"What of her?" He growls, hiding a sob. Obi-Wan stiffens.

"I met her years ago, protecting her from an uprising on Mandalore. We were.. young, then, I only eighteen and she a year my junior. We _despised_  each other," His voice is fond, his posture relaxing. "Absolutely despised each other. Master Qui-Gon thought we were the best entertainment around— he'd start an argument just so he could watch us go at each other. She was so _fierce_ , Anakin, so passionate about her home and her people.. It was glorious to watch. She could go on for hours..."

His face turns wistful, a note of longing creeping into his voice. Anakin shifts again, turning slightly towards the Master seated on the couch. "We were young, and together on the run for over a year. We did, eventually, fall in love— Qui-Gon knew, of course, but he thought it would pass. However.. It never did. We never had more than a few stolen kisses, furtive looks, late night conversations when my Master was asleep and we had our privacy, but it was so _real_ — my first taste of anything of the sort. She was intoxicating. Absolutely perfect." He smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes.

"Everything I never knew I wanted or needed. But then our mission ended, and we were recalled to Coruscant.. And I had to choose. Would I choose my Master, the Order I'd dedicated my life to before I could walk, or the Duchess, who'd burst into my life in a whirl of everything I'd ever been denied— the love of my life? I went to her, that evening, before we left."

His face fell, voice dropping a few octaves. "She couldn't— I couldn't stay. We knew.. We knew it was too perfect, a dream that could only ever be just that— a dream. So I left." He laughs mirthlessly, a twisted smile on his lips. "Sometimes I think that was the worst decision of my life. I didn't see her for years afterwards— I heard from her a few times, when one of us would have the time to record a quick holo, but then Naboo happened.. And you were put into my care."

Now, a genuine smile plays on his lips, eyes brightening. Anakin turns slowly, azure eyes still filled with tears watching his Master. Obi-Wan barely notices him, too lost in thought and memory.

"And those years— the years you were my Padawan, at my side were so vibrant, so busy and perfect and really, just what I needed," He says helplessly, another laugh slipping past his lips. "And then the war came, and you were Knighted, and I was so _proud_ , Anakin, so proud but it hurt more than anything in the galaxy to see my child, my _brother_ — just barely an adult— forced into war so callously.. And I knew, you know, about you and the Senator." His eyes lift to Anakin's shocked ones, and he smiles.

"I did. I never said a word, knowing that you needed that one spark of happiness in your life— she was everything to you that Satine was to me, and I was.. In a way, jealous that you'd been brave where I was not. But I was thrilled for you, I kept covering for you here, knowing that you deserved every second you spent with her. I only ever wanted you _happy_ , Anakin." He says, voice raw and honest, and Anakin lets out a harsh breath.

"That's all I wanted.. And I thought that my days with Satine were only a half forgotten dream, but then... Suddenly she was back in my life. And the moment I saw her, _Force_ , Anakin, I knew— we _both_  knew nothing had changed. We were in love, still— desperately, heartbreakingly in love. And I saw you with the Senator and I thought that perhaps— if you could do it, _I_ could, too. We worked it out in her apartments one night, you know,"

He whispers. "She was so happy. We were going to be together, damn it, we were going to have _everything_ — as soon as things settled down. But then, while I was here, and she on Madalore..." He swallows, his voice growing hard. "Then Maul somehow survived. And I got a message from her— the only one she's ever sent me with such raw _fear_  in her voice, Anakin," His voice cracks. "I have it still. And I went to her— Yoda told me not to, but I couldn't just _let_  her.. I _had_  to. And I got there— and I saw in her eyes her relief, but.."

His voice drops to a whisper. "I never told anyone exactly what happened. We.. we made it to my ship, but _Maul_..." His body is wracked by a shudder, and Anakin steps closer, eyes huge in his pale face.

"He caught up. And then, in the throne room..." He pauses for a moment, the silence and tension in the room almost unbearable. "I couldn't do _anything_. She— he _choked_  her, with the Force.. And then the _Darksaber_ — I wasn't fast enough—!" He sobs in a whisper, a tear running down his cheek. Anakin stands, horrified, a hand trembling hand half extended to Obi-Wan. "Exactly the same place as Qui-Gon. I caught her, as she fell. And she said— she reached up, and touched my face, and.. She told me she'd always loved me, and that she always would.. And I _saw_ — I watched the light leave her eyes."

He chokes, shoulders shaking. Misery surges through the Force around them, and tears run unchecked down Anakin's cheeks. "I felt her leave me, in the Force.. And all I wanted to do was _die_. But how could I, with my duty to the Republic and the Jedi— and _you_? So when Bo-Katan— Satine's sister, rescued me, I came right home."

He takes a deep, shuddering breath, eyes burning through his tears.

"You say I know nothing of love, Anakin.. But how can you say that, when I've loved so deeply?"

Anakin stares at him, tears dripping down his cheeks. His mouth opens— he tries to speak.

"O-Obi-Wan..." He gasps quietly, shame and pain and loss filling his voice. "I didn't— I never knew, I'm _sorry_ —" He sobs, burying his face in his hands. "I'm sorry."

The Knight collapses to his knees, overwhelmed. Obi-Wan, shaken from his own pain, instantly moves to comfort him, arms wrapping around the trembling shoulders. "Anakin, Anakin, I know.." He says softly, rubbing his best friend's back.

"You didn't know because I never _told_  you, Anakin, I didn't want you to have to bear it... I never thought you'd feel this same pain too." He whispers.

They sit together, sobbing and in each other's arms, grief and agony swirling into the Force around them. Anakin shoves his face into the crook of Obi-Wan's neck and the Master pulls him close, his tears falling into his former Padawan's hair.

"Obi-Wan... Obi-Wan, Master, h-how do you _bear_  it?" He asks, voice hoarse from his sobs. Obi-Wan shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut against the tears.

"I.. I didn't think I _could_ , Anakin," He admits, stroking his brother's back. "But.. I had _you_. You were there for me even though you didn't know it. And now I'll be here for you."

Anakin nods, another sob tearing from his throat. He shakes in Obi-Wan's arms, the Master holding him close and soothing him as best he can. Obi-Wan curses the Force and the galaxy for hurting his brother like this, his brother who'd never asked for much and only received pain. He deserves so much _more_ — safety, love...

Obi-Wan holds him until the tears stop, and the exhausted Knight is left half passed out in his lap. "Anakin." He whispers, the Force suddenly showing him their clear path forward. Anakin shifts, swollen, teary eyes letting Obi-Wan's own. "We're leaving."

Anakin's forehead creases, confused, the haze of despair muddling his mind. "We... Leaving? Leaving what?" Obi-Wan swipes a hand over his eyes, straightening his shoulders.

"We're leaving the Temple. Coruscant. Now. You need.. time away. And I could do with the same thing." Anakin gazes at him for a moment, pain lurking in his eyes, then nods and struggles to his feet. He offers a hand to Obi-Wan, who grasps it and stands up. They look at each other for a moment.

Their Bond flares, new understanding and appreciation for each other strengthening it. A tiny, almost imperceptible smile graces Anakin's lips, and Obi-Wan nods at him, a hand squeezing his shoulder. The Knight moves to get his pack, and Obi-Wan watches him go before going to get his own.

They're both hurting, but not broken, he thinks as they meet back at the door. Anakin steps outside and Obi-Wan follows, striding down the hall together. They'll be alright. Maybe not now, but one day. As long as they have each other— their brother, at their side.


End file.
